I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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