just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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