chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
