there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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