Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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