Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
