She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
