My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
