I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
