I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize