I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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