Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I woke up under a house in Key West
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