He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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