Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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