Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize