Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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