My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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