i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
