i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i barfeds in our rink
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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