I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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