my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
