it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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