I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
