Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
