Nicole vs. Life
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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