she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
