he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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