There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
