i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
