i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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