i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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