I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
