I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
