I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
