I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
