I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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