can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
