The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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