This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
