We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
