I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
