i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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