Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
