Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
