And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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