How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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