I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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