i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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