Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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