Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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