I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
