Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
