i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
