Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
