I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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