I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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